in the depths of depression

a reader writes: I am in the depths of depression, it is hard to breathe each breath, let alone have the energy to be grateful.

My reply:

Thank you for writing.

I am very sorry that you are in the depths of depression. That is a very challenging situation.

There is certainly no single cure-all, but making a list of things you are grateful for is one small step.
See A List of Gratitudes - a Thanksgiving

Whatever you do, DON'T give up. Keep moving forward. Do what you can, and don't sweat the rest.

Do you have a support network? If your friends and others are not sufficient, consider adding a church-based or community-based support group.

Many people find that helping others is a good way to help themselves.

The best way to cheer yourself
is to try to cheer someone else up.
- Mark Twain

As we work to create light for others,
we naturally light our own way.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

One thing I know: the only ones among you
who will be really happy are those
who will have sought and found how to serve.
- Albert Schweitzer

If there is anything else I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Further reading: How to Think Positive

Five Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Sad for No Apparent Reason

Conscious Breathing to Relieve Stress

   

Anxious , Depressed, Job Not Inspiring?

Question from a reader: I feel low, anxious, depressed, job not inspiring, what should I do?

My reply:

1) Look for the high points in your job: co-workers? customers? whatever is uplifting.

2) Consider a different job or becoming self-employed. Those may or may not be viable options, but think seriously about it.

3) Look to get your true satisfaction from sources outside your job. Appreciate your family. Volunteer in your community. Help someone less fortunate than yourself - perhaps volunteer at a food bank or soup kitchen.

As we work to create light for others,
we naturally light our own way.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Life's most persistent and urgent question is,
'What are you doing for others?'
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.
- Maya Angelou

The best way to find yourself
is to lose yourself
in the service of others.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

The more we care for the happiness of others,
the greater is our own sense of well-being.
- Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

The best cure for our own self-inflicted suffering
is often service to others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
      

What To Do When You Feel Lonely

A reader writes: Sir, I don't know why I feel lonely always, I can't change this attitude. Please suggest me some tips to come away from this.

My Reply:

My suggestion is for you to think more about helping/comforting other people, and less about yourself and your own troubles.

The best way to cheer yourself
is to try to cheer someone else up.
- Mark Twain

As we work to create light for others,
we naturally light our own way.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

One thing I know: the only ones among you
who will be really happy are those
who will have sought and found how to serve.
- Albert Schweitzer

What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?
- George Eliot

For those who are bored with life,
the path to happiness almost always comes
through service to the less-fortunate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
 

How can I find what my happiness is supposed to be or look like?

From a reader: I'm going through some life stuff right now. People are always telling me to just 'be happy.' Honestly have no idea what that means... I've lived my life as a single mom. No idea what I'm to do now that they are all 'grown-ups.' How can I find what my happiness is supposed to be or look like when that's always seemed like such a luxury? Thanks.

My reply:

Thank you for writing.

For most people, happiness comes from service. In spite of the challenges and the long hours, I'm sure you received a large portion of happiness from being of service to your children.

The only ones among you who will be really happy
are those who will have sought and found how to serve.
- Albert Schweitzer

Look for a balance of pampering yourself (which you certainly deserve, and which would be a pleasant change of pace), finding new interests, and finding new ways to be of service to others.

As far as "happiness," that is much more a matter of choosing to be grateful for your life, and choosing to be happy, than a matter of the circumstances of your life.

Happiness doesn't depend on any external conditions,
it is governed by our mental attitude.
- Dale Carnegie

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't
come as a result of getting something we don't have,
but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.
- Frederick Koenig

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
   

Need Help with Motivation/Inspiration

Reader's letter:

Lately, I have been ignoring things that are important to me like school,workout,eating healthy, reading the Bible,writing my bucket list, writing daily goals, even praying I find it difficult as I don't have or don't know the right words to say to God. It's frustrating if not depressing. I lack the motivation,inspiration to jump from my bed, pray,workout,eat and go to school. All I want to do is wake up eat, watch movies,eat and sleep! I tell myself this is not right, this is destruction and poverty but I find it hard to get up and implement it.

Please help... just tell me anything even if it will pain me, I want to get out of this lazy mode. Thank you!

My answer:

First, just forgive yourself. You aren’t doing anything bad. You aren’t sinful, worthless, or anything like that.

Now, take some time to consider what you want your life to be like. How would you like to be remembered?

Begin by taking one small action each day that will help create the kind of legacy that you wish to create. For example, do one kind thing today that will make someone else’s day a better day.

The best way to cheer yourself
is to try to cheer someone else up.
- Mark Twain

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Homeless Veteran Transformation

You can also view this Homeless Veteran Transformation video on YouTube.

If we have no peace,
it is because we have forgotten
that we belong to each other.
- Mother Teresa

People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou

If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need
but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?
- 1 John 3:17

How Helping Others Helps You

A reader's question: Dear Jonathan, Can you please explain in simple words what this quote is trying to convey?

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life,
that no man can sincerely try
to help another without helping himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

My answer:

If you help other people, your life becomes happier and more fulfilling.

There are three reasons for this:

1. Most immediately, the act of helping another provides a sense of your own value, which directly makes you happier and more fulfilled.

2. Other people will see you as a worthwhile and moral person, and will be more likely to help you get what you want.

3. If you believe in a kind and compassionate God, or in a universal intelligence, or in karma, you know that there is a force that rewards good actions.

As we work to create light for others,
we naturally light our own way.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

See more quotes about service

Be Brave and Chase Your Dreams

Bill Clinton's three-part advice to the graduating students of Sidwell Friends School June 6, 1997...

First:
Be brave, dream big,
and chase your dreams.
You will have your failures,
but you will grow from every honest effort.
- Bill Clinton

Second:
Be optimistic and be grateful.
- Bill Clinton

Third:
Be of service to others.
- Bill Clinton

Many Paths to Joy and Service

Question: The purpose of my life from childhood has been to study medicine and become a researcher. I have always gotten excellent grades, but I have been turned down for medical school. I feel like my life is over. What should I do?

My Answer:

I am very sorry that you are so troubled. Please, please take good care of yourself. Your life is important - value it and respect it.

I understand your life feels very difficult at this time. Nonetheless, you can choose to live a great life - a life of joy and a life of service.

I understand that it feels very important to you to attend medical school, but I ask you to look at your life from a wider perspective. Perhaps you will eventually attend medical school - and that would be wonderful. But there are many other ways for you to live a great life.

There are only two true values in life - your own joy, and being of service to others. These two are related in that one of the best ways to find your own joy is to be of real service to others.

Ask yourself why you want so much to attend medical school. What is your underlying goal in life? Medical school by itself cannot be your ultimate goal in life. It must be merely one stepping stone on the way to your true goal. So what is that true goal? If your true goal is to be of service to others by helping to cure disease, then medical school would be a great path, but it is not the only path. Suppose you spend your life as a laboratory assistant rather than as a graduate medical researcher? I realize that would not be your first choice, but couldn't you be of great service, and also live a joyful life.

It is far less important what your job title is, than that you approach your job with dedication and compassion. Consider these words by the great Martin Luther King Jr.

If a man is called to be a street sweeper,
he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted,
or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry.
He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts
of heaven and earth will pause to say,
here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Let me share a story...

Do you know whose hands actually performed the delicate work of the world's first heart transplant? No, not Dr. Christiaan Barnard, but his black laboratory assistant Hamilton Naki. At that time, Blacks were not allowed to attend medical school or be doctors in South Africa. Read the whole story here. Even if the story has been exaggerated, let it inspire you to do what you can with the opportunities available - as well as also continuing to look for higher-leverage opportunities.

Listen also to the words of Helen Keller (1880-1968) who overcame being both deaf and blind to become a famous author, lecturer, and activist for women's suffrage, workers' rights, and ending war.

When one door closes, another opens.
But often we look so long, so regretfully,
upon the closed door,
that we fail to see the one that is opened for us.
- Helen Keller

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Needing To Feel Needed

Question: Dear Mr. Huie, It gets harder everyday to be strong yet unemotional. I would help anyone, but it is hard when no one listens to me. I feel so alone sometimes. I need to feel better about myself on my own. A special person in my life told me, "If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to love anyone else." But, I want to keep my loved ones happy and sometimes I get so deep into helping them by saying "I will do it for you. Don't worry. I'm there for you. I will help you." Sometimes I just want to give up, because I feel I'm talking to myself and I get very depressed and feel like no one needs me. Please point me in the right direction. Thank you.

Answer:

There is sometimes a very fine line between being of service to other people and being a "people pleaser." Being of service is about making other people's lives better, while being a "people pleaser" is about one's own need to feel appreciated. Often the actions we take contain elements of both - we truly do want to benefit the other, and we also want them to appreciate us.

When one does something purely from the motivation of being of service, one doesn't care whether the recipient even knows who did it. Think for example of the virtually anonymous service of volunteering to wash dishes behind the scenes at a soup kitchen.

In contrast, the motivation for being a "people pleaser" is seeking recognition from someone - or, far more harmful to one's self-esteem, fearing that saying No to someone's request might cause that person to distance themself.

There is great wisdom in the idea that you need to truly love yourself before you can successfully love someone else. Until you are filled with love, you don't have any love to give to anyone else. Also, until you yourself are happy, you really don't have any happiness to share with others. The greatest gift you can give to those you care about is sharing your own joy with them.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
- Bill Cosby

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Further reading: More about Pleasing Everyone

Aesops Fable: The Miller, His Son, and the Ass

How to Choose Your Life Purpose

Five Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Sad for No Apparent Reason

Quotes about Being Needy

Life Purpose Quotes

A Roadmap for a Joyful Life

If you don't know where you're going,
any road will take you there.
- Lewis Carroll
(Alice in Wonderland)

If your life is filled with purpose and joy, congratulations. You are doing exactly what is right for you.

However, if you are suffering, and wonder what your life is all about, read on. These 9 steps describe my own path to joyful living, and may be helpful to others.

1. Live for a while without questioning life.

2. Question the meaning of life. The trigger for this is usually some big disappointment such as an illness, a death in the family, job loss, financial setback, or a romantic breakup.

3. Look for the meaning of life in money, fame, or sexual conquests.

4. Be severely disappointed, and question life even more strongly.

5. Look for the meaning of life in organized religion. For some, this provides a satisfying answer. For others...

6. Be severely disappointed by organized religion.

7. Look for the meaning of life in service to the less fortunate, in family life, and in a personal connection with the Indwelling and Universal Spirit.

8. Make the conscious choice to live a joyful life of service, and oneness with Spirit and all of creation.

9. Live joyfully in gratitude for all of life.

One of the secrets of life is that
all that is really worth the doing
is what we do for others.
- Lewis Carroll

I am pleased to have everyone add their comments below. I ask those who have found their own life-answer inside organized religion to add their personal testament below, but not to attack those who find a different path to joyful living.

Further reading: How to Choose Your Life Purpose

Perspectives on the Nature of God - Which of these Five Views Matches Yours?

Trust in the Light

Unanswered Prayers

Have a Conversation With God, Today

Zero-Based Gratitude

Feel Your Connection With the Infinite - a Meditation

Grant That I May Radiate

Overcome Being Negative

Question: (edited)

I am having problems with being negative all the time and judgmental. I used to be much more spiritual. I am in a job where my boss disrespects me and lies to me. I'm actively looking for another job, but I can't find any. I ask God what is my lesson here. I'm afraid and angry. I want to become more spiritual again. What can I do?

Answer:

Your circumstances are certainly challenging. Begin by accepting that you have been given a difficult lot.

We cannot choose our external circumstances,
but we can always choose how to respond to them.
- Epictetus

1. Make a gratitude list. For every complaint you have about your life, write down five things you have to be grateful for.

If you are having trouble filling a long list with gratitudes, you can use A List of Gratitudes for suggestions.

2. Being of service to others will help you regain your joy and your connection with Spirit. Consider that your co-workers are probably treated as badly as you, and are probably as frustrated, angry , and hopeless. Find ways to brighten their lives, and you will brighten your own.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men
who walked through the huts comforting others,
giving away their last piece of bread...
They offer sufficient proof that everything
can be taken from a man but one thing:
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one's own way.
- Viktor E. Frankl

As we work to create light for others,
we naturally light our own way.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Check out the Being of Service to Others section of The Secret of Happiness for more ideas on service.

3. Spend time with positive and spiritual people. If you can't find a church group you feel comfortable with, look in your community, and among your positive and spiritually-minded friends.

4. Meditate or pray. See Have a Conversation with God, Today

Read How to Keep a Positive Attitude Around Negative People for more ideas.

You may also find value in these articles...

Regarding gratitude and life

Zero-Based Gratitude

Pay It Forward - as an Expression of Universal Gratitude

How to Forgive and Move On

Question: My husband moved out. I feel captive to feelings of hurt, betrayal, and bitterness. Please help me on how to forgive him and move on.

My answer:

Forgiveness is not easy, and it will not be quick.

1. You may have feelings of regret, as well as resentment. To whatever extent you have the feeling that you could, or should, have done something differently, forgive yourself for that, and let those feelings go.

2. Every day, hold a little ceremony of gratitude for everything good in your life - your family, your health, your mind ... everything. Write down a very long list of gratitudes.

3. Focus your thoughts and attention on other things. Be of service to your family, and to the less fortunate around you.

4. Whenever the feelings of anger become overwhelming, hold a release ceremony. Take a piece of paper and write down all your angry feelings. Write everything bad that was done to you, and how you feel about it. Now, reverently light a candle or small fire, and feed the paper with your angers to the fire. Watch your angers go up in smoke, and give thanks for all of life.

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan

How To Be Happy In Life - The 9 Paths To Happiness

How To Be Happy In Life - The 9 Paths To Happiness
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sometimes it appears that life throws more obstacles in our path than we can handle. However, even in the face of the most challenging circumstances, you can make the choice to be happy.

Read the rest of my article at How to Be Happy in Life.