How To Get Over Regret

Reader's question: Hi  Jonathan! How do you get over regret about missing a FABULOUS job opportunity I missed for "fear" and family commitments??? THANK YOU.

My answer:

Thank  you for writing.  Regret is, indeed, a most troubling emotion. To overcome regret, focus on these three steps...

1. Forgive yourself.

2. Look forward, rather than back.

3. Be grateful for what you have, rather than regretting what you don’t have.

See my articles on self-forgiveness and self-love at www.sail7.com

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

What Is Reality?

You Create Your Own Reality.
- Anonymous

How can someone say "You Create Your Own Reality?" Are they crazy? Yet many wise people have expressed essentially this idea. What is going on?

I say that there are two kinds of reality - the reality of facts, and the reality of experiences. At first glance, one would be inclined to think that facts are the basis of everything, but much that is important cannot be dealt with using facts.

When you argue with reality,
you lose - but only always.
- Byron Katie

To deny the facts would be illogical.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek

The Byron Katie and Star Trek quotes address the reality of facts. A fact might be that you were fired from your job last Friday. That is reality, and nothing you can believe or disbelieve or argue about changes that fact - that reality. Whether you believe your dismissal was unjustified doesn't change the fact. Arguing with this kind of fact is illogical, and causes you to suffer needlessly

Now, moving to the reality (or unreality) of experiences, when you were fired, you might also have believed that you would never get another job, or that your children would starve, or that your mother would think you were worthless, or you might have begun to believe that you were now worthless. These beliefs exist outside the realm of facts. The first three of these deal with the future, and thus can either become true or can become false - depending upon your actions, among other things. Your own thought of your worthlessness can be changed in an instant by simply altering your perception of yourself and your value.

Regarding experiences and perceptions, there are no underlying facts, and thus the idea that "You Create Your Own Reality" is not only correct, but of great practical importance in motivating you to believe in yourself and to take actions that create material benefits, as well as joy, in your future.

Here are three more quotes on the idea that you can control how you experience life, and that the future is altered by how you choose to experience the present.

What others say and do is a projection of their own reality.
- don Miguel Ruiz

All that is real is seen with the heart.
- Vivian Greene

Your thoughts create your reality.
Your mind is more powerful than you know.
- Neale Donald Walsch

Further reading: How to Cope With Life
Overcome Being Negative
Abundance or Scarcity? Love or Fear?
Truth isn't True. Reality isn't Real.
Coping with the Impossible

Is Hope Futile?

Question: I have tried goal setting and hoped for many things, but not one of them has ever happened.  In fact if I really take off after something, that is an absolute 100% guarantee it won't happen. Is hope futile?

My Answer:

There are a number of steps on the path to success - and you need all of them.

1. Believe that God wants good things for you.

Our prayers should be for blessings in general,
for God knows best what is good for us.
- Socrates

2. Believe in yourself - develop self-esteem.
(see How to Build Self Esteem)

Believe in yourself. Have faith in your abilities.
Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers
you cannot be successful or happy.
- Norman Vincent Peale

3. Take action toward your goals - every day.

You can't cross the sea merely by
standing and staring at the water.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Achievement seems to be connected with action.
Successful men and women keep moving.
They make mistakes, but they don't quit.
- Conrad Hilton

4. Accept "failure" when it comes. "Failure" may mean either that you have learned something that will enable you to "succeed" next time, or that God has chosen something better for you than what you asked for - even if it doesn't seem so at the time.

Success consists of going from failure to failure
without loss of enthusiasm.
- Winston Churchill

A wonderful gift may not be wrapped as you expect.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(also see A wonderful gift may not be wrapped as you expect
and Maybe So, Maybe Not. - Ancient Taoist Proverb)

5. Never stop trying. Look for new paths toward your highest level goal (your life mission) - and do not get stuck in repeating old methods that didn't work.

Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success.
- Napoleon Hill

If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.
Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
- Michael Jordan


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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Needing To Feel Needed

Question: Dear Mr. Huie, It gets harder everyday to be strong yet unemotional. I would help anyone, but it is hard when no one listens to me. I feel so alone sometimes. I need to feel better about myself on my own. A special person in my life told me, "If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to love anyone else." But, I want to keep my loved ones happy and sometimes I get so deep into helping them by saying "I will do it for you. Don't worry. I'm there for you. I will help you." Sometimes I just want to give up, because I feel I'm talking to myself and I get very depressed and feel like no one needs me. Please point me in the right direction. Thank you.

Answer:

There is sometimes a very fine line between being of service to other people and being a "people pleaser." Being of service is about making other people's lives better, while being a "people pleaser" is about one's own need to feel appreciated. Often the actions we take contain elements of both - we truly do want to benefit the other, and we also want them to appreciate us.

When one does something purely from the motivation of being of service, one doesn't care whether the recipient even knows who did it. Think for example of the virtually anonymous service of volunteering to wash dishes behind the scenes at a soup kitchen.

In contrast, the motivation for being a "people pleaser" is seeking recognition from someone - or, far more harmful to one's self-esteem, fearing that saying No to someone's request might cause that person to distance themself.

There is great wisdom in the idea that you need to truly love yourself before you can successfully love someone else. Until you are filled with love, you don't have any love to give to anyone else. Also, until you yourself are happy, you really don't have any happiness to share with others. The greatest gift you can give to those you care about is sharing your own joy with them.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
- Bill Cosby

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Further reading: More about Pleasing Everyone

Aesops Fable: The Miller, His Son, and the Ass

How to Choose Your Life Purpose

Five Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel Sad for No Apparent Reason

Quotes about Being Needy

Life Purpose Quotes