A Question about Forgiveness and Moving On when Hurt

Question from a reader: How can I forgive a person who has taken advantage of me and abused me. I am in a relationship with a person who has lied over and over, and when things don't go his way he just walks out. I want to be able to move on, am ready for that, but I just feel like he has hurt me so much emotionally and spirituality, and he gets to go on like nothing happened.

My reply:

Take care of yourself - nothing more, nothing less.

Move on with no regrets, and as few resentments as you can possibly manage. Whatever anger you feel will only hurt you, not him. Any thoughts of revenge only hurt you, not him.


Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
- The Buddha

Resenting someone is a way of never leaving that person.
- Kare Anderson

Once you have seen the truth
you must make the decision to let go
of the pain, anger, and resentment you have been holding on to.
This requires you to take action.
If you are attached to your pain, resentment,
and self-righteousness, and addicted to your emotional reactions,
this will be a difficult step for you.
Taking action requires letting go of the very thing
you have been holding on to for so many years.
There is comfort in what we find familiar,
even if we are experiencing pain and suffering.
The pain and suffering itself becomes the familiarity we seek.
It takes absolute faith in yourself
plus courage, will, and discipline to let go.
But once you let go, it will be as if
the weight of the world has been taken off your shoulders.
In this process it is important to forgive
not just the others in our lives, but also ourselves.
For most people, giving ourselves
the gift of forgiveness is very challenging.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Forgiving others is a gift to yourself,
given not because the other deserves pardon,
but because you deserve the serenity and joy
that comes from releasing resentment and anger,
and from embracing universal forgiveness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Forgiveness is not always easy.
At times, it feels more painful
than the wound we suffered,
to forgive the one that inflicted it.
And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
- Marianne Williamson


May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

An Exchange with a Reader about BLAME

The August 17, 2015 Daily Inspiration message was about Blame, and featured quotes such as...

Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past.
Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.
- John F. Kennedy

It is an act of great Courage to forsake all Blame.
Take responsibility for your whole life -
regardless of circumstances.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

In response, a reader wrote:
Nice sentiments, but almost wholly unrealistic.  So much pain is daily inflicted upon people by others, everywhere in the world.  To turn a blind eye to the cause of that pain is not healthy and would never eradicate the sources of the pain or the behavior of the people or institutions that cause it.  Moreover, placing the slightest tinge of blame or responsibility on oneself for the pain inflicted on them by others is horribly psychologically unhealthy.  I love this site and most of its offerings, but it is way off base with these ideas.  They would likely lead victims into depression or worse.  It is far better to face reality and deal with what is, placing the blame and the responsibility where it belongs.

My response to the reader:

Thank you very much for writing. You raise some of the most important points about the nature of our earthly existence.

Absolutely, pain is inflicted upon us daily by others who don't know us personally (politicians, investment bankers, etc), by natural forces [God?] (diseases, hurricanes, earthquakes, etc.), as well as by those who know us personally and may wish us harm.

I fully agree with you that one should recognize the sources of our pain, and certainly that we must not blame ourselves for the pain.

Now, the question is how to best deal with the circumstances we are subjected to. One choice is to say, "woe is me, I am a helpless victim, please feel sorry for me." A second choice is to become enraged and to focus one's energies on searching for a way to inflict revenge. A third choice is to live the happiest and most productive life we can in the face of the circumstances life has dealt us.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
- Buddhist proverb

My personal choice, and the choice I advocate for my readers, is to avoid labeling myself a "victim," to avoid resentments and regrets, to avoid anger and any attempt at revenge, and to be as happy and productive as I can.

And yes, I very much do choose to take action against people or forces that cause me pain - not from the perspective of anger/revenge, but from the perspective of preventing further harm to myself or others. (Consider a hurricane. One can't very well take revenge on a hurricane, but one can rebuild further from the ocean, and use stronger construction techniques.)

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
   

How to Forgive and Move On

Question: My husband moved out. I feel captive to feelings of hurt, betrayal, and bitterness. Please help me on how to forgive him and move on.

My answer:

Forgiveness is not easy, and it will not be quick.

1. You may have feelings of regret, as well as resentment. To whatever extent you have the feeling that you could, or should, have done something differently, forgive yourself for that, and let those feelings go.

2. Every day, hold a little ceremony of gratitude for everything good in your life - your family, your health, your mind ... everything. Write down a very long list of gratitudes.

3. Focus your thoughts and attention on other things. Be of service to your family, and to the less fortunate around you.

4. Whenever the feelings of anger become overwhelming, hold a release ceremony. Take a piece of paper and write down all your angry feelings. Write everything bad that was done to you, and how you feel about it. Now, reverently light a candle or small fire, and feed the paper with your angers to the fire. Watch your angers go up in smoke, and give thanks for all of life.

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan