Each man kills the thing he loves

A reader's question: Would you please explain the quote in the Alchemist about killing the thing you love.

Paulo Coelho, the author of The Alchemist, was actually quoting a line from Oscar Wilde's famous 1897 poem The Ballad of Reading Gaol. Coelho then proceeds to give his explanation of what Wilde's quote means. Following Coelho's and Wilde's long quotes, I share more thoughts about killing the thing you love.

Oscar Wilde said: 'Each man kills the thing he loves.' And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal - when it was only a step away. This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it. Renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here.
- Paulo Coelho, introduction to 2002 edition of The Alchemist

Yet each man kills the thing he loves.
By each let this be heard.
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word.
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
- Oscar Wilde - from The Ballad of Reading Gaol

Note that...
1. By "the thing he loves," Wilde and Coelho are not referring to a person, but rather to a person's aspirations  (in Coelho's words a "personal calling.") - like writing a best-selling book (in Coelho's case), or becoming wealthy or powerful, or ending hunger, or conquering disease.
2. The word "kill" is, of course, used figuratively - as in "Their performance in the last game killed the team's chance to play in the World Series."

How do we "kill" (destroy) the thing we love (our aspirations - our life path)?

1. A belief that we are unworthy (Coelho calls this "guilt.) - The following Marianne Williamson quote addresses this.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson

2. Boredom ("is this all there is?")

Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more.
If you concentrate on what you don't have,
you will never, ever have enough.
- Oprah Winfrey

We can do anything we want to
if we stick to it long enough.
- Helen Keller

3. Distraction

As every divided kingdom falls,
so every mind divided between
many studies confounds and saps itself.
- Leonardo da Vinci

The Main Thing is to Keep
The Main Thing The Main Thing.
- Stephen Covey

Overcoming Disability

Although I cannot move and I have to speak through a computer,
in my mind I am free.
- Stephen Hawking

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
- Stephen Hawking

Steven Hawking, born January 8, 1942, is one of the world's greatest theoretical physicists and cosmologists. Hawking was diagnosed with motor neurone disease (related to ALS) at age 21. His condition has degenerated over the years, and he is now almost entirely paralyzed and communicates through a computerized speech generating device.

It is a waste of time to be angry about my disability.
One has to get on with life and I haven't done badly.
People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.
- Stephen Hawking

If you are disabled, it is probably not your fault,
but it is no good blaming the world or expecting it to take pity on you.
One has to have a positive attitude
and must make the best of the situation that one finds oneself in.
If one is physically disabled,
one cannot afford to be psychologically disabled as well.
- Stephen Hawking

If I am happy in spite of my deprivations,
if my happiness is so deep that it is a faith,
so thoughtful that it becomes a philosophy of life.
If, in short, I am an optimist,
my testimony to the creed of optimism is worth hearing.
- Helen Keller

Helen Keller (1880-1968) overcame being both deaf and blind
to become a famous author, lecturer, and activist
for women's suffrage, workers' rights, and ending war.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experiences of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened,
vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.
- Helen Keller

Yes, YOU Can Be Happy

I often get email saying, "MY situation is different. Being positive and joyful, and creating a life of service and purpose are great for OTHER people, but I can't because I am..." And the reason they can't be positive and happy is being out of work, or having no money, or having a falling out with relatives, or living with a memory of childhood abuse, or being sick, or having a sick relative.

Truly, I can only think of one situation that is often beyond the power of being positive: Being in racking physical pain. With regards to being out of a job, having no money, and such... Once one has food and a roof over their head, the rest is nice, but not necessary.

I recommend reading about others who have found happiness while in situations most of us can't even imagine.

Helen Keller was blind and deaf, yet said she was happy.

If I am happy in spite of my deprivations,
if my happiness is so deep that it is a faith,
so thoughtful that it becomes a philosophy of life.
If, in short, I am an optimist,
my testimony to the creed of optimism is worth hearing.
- Helen Keller

Read about Viktor Frankl who found happiness and meaning for life while in the Nazi Death Camps.
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men
who walked through the huts comforting others,
giving away their last piece of bread...
They offer sufficient proof that everything
can be taken from a man but one thing:
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one's own way.
- Viktor E. Frankl

Read about Anne Frank - a 13 year old girl who lived under Nazi persecution.

I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.
- Anne Frank

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Many Paths to Joy and Service

Question: The purpose of my life from childhood has been to study medicine and become a researcher. I have always gotten excellent grades, but I have been turned down for medical school. I feel like my life is over. What should I do?

My Answer:

I am very sorry that you are so troubled. Please, please take good care of yourself. Your life is important - value it and respect it.

I understand your life feels very difficult at this time. Nonetheless, you can choose to live a great life - a life of joy and a life of service.

I understand that it feels very important to you to attend medical school, but I ask you to look at your life from a wider perspective. Perhaps you will eventually attend medical school - and that would be wonderful. But there are many other ways for you to live a great life.

There are only two true values in life - your own joy, and being of service to others. These two are related in that one of the best ways to find your own joy is to be of real service to others.

Ask yourself why you want so much to attend medical school. What is your underlying goal in life? Medical school by itself cannot be your ultimate goal in life. It must be merely one stepping stone on the way to your true goal. So what is that true goal? If your true goal is to be of service to others by helping to cure disease, then medical school would be a great path, but it is not the only path. Suppose you spend your life as a laboratory assistant rather than as a graduate medical researcher? I realize that would not be your first choice, but couldn't you be of great service, and also live a joyful life.

It is far less important what your job title is, than that you approach your job with dedication and compassion. Consider these words by the great Martin Luther King Jr.

If a man is called to be a street sweeper,
he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted,
or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry.
He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts
of heaven and earth will pause to say,
here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Let me share a story...

Do you know whose hands actually performed the delicate work of the world's first heart transplant? No, not Dr. Christiaan Barnard, but his black laboratory assistant Hamilton Naki. At that time, Blacks were not allowed to attend medical school or be doctors in South Africa. Read the whole story here. Even if the story has been exaggerated, let it inspire you to do what you can with the opportunities available - as well as also continuing to look for higher-leverage opportunities.

Listen also to the words of Helen Keller (1880-1968) who overcame being both deaf and blind to become a famous author, lecturer, and activist for women's suffrage, workers' rights, and ending war.

When one door closes, another opens.
But often we look so long, so regretfully,
upon the closed door,
that we fail to see the one that is opened for us.
- Helen Keller

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie