A reader wrote: "Your words are so calm. But you have never addressed the real world.
I was beaten...what calm and enlighten words do you have to say to that.
Get with the real life world ...sir❗️"
My Reply...
Thank you very much for writing.
Addressing the "real world" requires three actions - simultaneously...
1) Recognize that whatever has happened in the past cannot be changed. Anger can't change the past. Revenge can't change the past. Acceptance and forgiveness are powerful tools in letting the past be the past, so you can focus on the present and the future.
Anger is often more hurtful than the injury that caused it.
- English Proverb
Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.
- Alice Duer Miller
2) Have a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude is both a tool to make you happier in the present, and a tool from which to launch "real world" actions and success.
Positive thinking will let you do everything
better than negative thinking will.
- Zig Ziglar
3) Take action. Begin now. Begin again each day. Take action with calm focus, and with a well-thought-out plan, but take action, and persevere.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent
about things that matter.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Attitude and action are both essential.
Attitude without action is mere pretense.
Action without attitude is merely frenzied motion.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Showing posts with label revenge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label revenge. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
A Question about Forgiveness and Moving On when Hurt
Question from a reader: How can I forgive a person who has taken advantage of me and abused me. I am in a relationship with a person who has lied over and over, and when things don't go his way he just walks out. I want to be able to move on, am ready for that, but I just feel like he has hurt me so much emotionally and spirituality, and he gets to go on like nothing happened.
My reply:
Take care of yourself - nothing more, nothing less.
Move on with no regrets, and as few resentments as you can possibly manage. Whatever anger you feel will only hurt you, not him. Any thoughts of revenge only hurt you, not him.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
- The Buddha
Resenting someone is a way of never leaving that person.
- Kare Anderson
Once you have seen the truth
you must make the decision to let go
of the pain, anger, and resentment you have been holding on to.
This requires you to take action.
If you are attached to your pain, resentment,
and self-righteousness, and addicted to your emotional reactions,
this will be a difficult step for you.
Taking action requires letting go of the very thing
you have been holding on to for so many years.
There is comfort in what we find familiar,
even if we are experiencing pain and suffering.
The pain and suffering itself becomes the familiarity we seek.
It takes absolute faith in yourself
plus courage, will, and discipline to let go.
But once you let go, it will be as if
the weight of the world has been taken off your shoulders.
In this process it is important to forgive
not just the others in our lives, but also ourselves.
For most people, giving ourselves
the gift of forgiveness is very challenging.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Forgiving others is a gift to yourself,
given not because the other deserves pardon,
but because you deserve the serenity and joy
that comes from releasing resentment and anger,
and from embracing universal forgiveness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Forgiveness is not always easy.
At times, it feels more painful
than the wound we suffered,
to forgive the one that inflicted it.
And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
- Marianne Williamson
May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
My reply:
Take care of yourself - nothing more, nothing less.
Move on with no regrets, and as few resentments as you can possibly manage. Whatever anger you feel will only hurt you, not him. Any thoughts of revenge only hurt you, not him.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
- The Buddha
Resenting someone is a way of never leaving that person.
- Kare Anderson
Once you have seen the truth
you must make the decision to let go
of the pain, anger, and resentment you have been holding on to.
This requires you to take action.
If you are attached to your pain, resentment,
and self-righteousness, and addicted to your emotional reactions,
this will be a difficult step for you.
Taking action requires letting go of the very thing
you have been holding on to for so many years.
There is comfort in what we find familiar,
even if we are experiencing pain and suffering.
The pain and suffering itself becomes the familiarity we seek.
It takes absolute faith in yourself
plus courage, will, and discipline to let go.
But once you let go, it will be as if
the weight of the world has been taken off your shoulders.
In this process it is important to forgive
not just the others in our lives, but also ourselves.
For most people, giving ourselves
the gift of forgiveness is very challenging.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Forgiving others is a gift to yourself,
given not because the other deserves pardon,
but because you deserve the serenity and joy
that comes from releasing resentment and anger,
and from embracing universal forgiveness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Forgiveness is not always easy.
At times, it feels more painful
than the wound we suffered,
to forgive the one that inflicted it.
And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
- Marianne Williamson
May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Monday, August 17, 2015
An Exchange with a Reader about BLAME
The August 17, 2015 Daily Inspiration message was about Blame, and featured quotes such as...
Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past.
Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.
- John F. Kennedy
It is an act of great Courage to forsake all Blame.
Take responsibility for your whole life -
regardless of circumstances.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In response, a reader wrote:
Nice sentiments, but almost wholly unrealistic. So much pain is daily inflicted upon people by others, everywhere in the world. To turn a blind eye to the cause of that pain is not healthy and would never eradicate the sources of the pain or the behavior of the people or institutions that cause it. Moreover, placing the slightest tinge of blame or responsibility on oneself for the pain inflicted on them by others is horribly psychologically unhealthy. I love this site and most of its offerings, but it is way off base with these ideas. They would likely lead victims into depression or worse. It is far better to face reality and deal with what is, placing the blame and the responsibility where it belongs.
My response to the reader:
Thank you very much for writing. You raise some of the most important points about the nature of our earthly existence.
Absolutely, pain is inflicted upon us daily by others who don't know us personally (politicians, investment bankers, etc), by natural forces [God?] (diseases, hurricanes, earthquakes, etc.), as well as by those who know us personally and may wish us harm.
I fully agree with you that one should recognize the sources of our pain, and certainly that we must not blame ourselves for the pain.
Now, the question is how to best deal with the circumstances we are subjected to. One choice is to say, "woe is me, I am a helpless victim, please feel sorry for me." A second choice is to become enraged and to focus one's energies on searching for a way to inflict revenge. A third choice is to live the happiest and most productive life we can in the face of the circumstances life has dealt us.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
- Buddhist proverb
My personal choice, and the choice I advocate for my readers, is to avoid labeling myself a "victim," to avoid resentments and regrets, to avoid anger and any attempt at revenge, and to be as happy and productive as I can.
And yes, I very much do choose to take action against people or forces that cause me pain - not from the perspective of anger/revenge, but from the perspective of preventing further harm to myself or others. (Consider a hurricane. One can't very well take revenge on a hurricane, but one can rebuild further from the ocean, and use stronger construction techniques.)
May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past.
Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.
- John F. Kennedy
It is an act of great Courage to forsake all Blame.
Take responsibility for your whole life -
regardless of circumstances.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In response, a reader wrote:
Nice sentiments, but almost wholly unrealistic. So much pain is daily inflicted upon people by others, everywhere in the world. To turn a blind eye to the cause of that pain is not healthy and would never eradicate the sources of the pain or the behavior of the people or institutions that cause it. Moreover, placing the slightest tinge of blame or responsibility on oneself for the pain inflicted on them by others is horribly psychologically unhealthy. I love this site and most of its offerings, but it is way off base with these ideas. They would likely lead victims into depression or worse. It is far better to face reality and deal with what is, placing the blame and the responsibility where it belongs.
My response to the reader:
Thank you very much for writing. You raise some of the most important points about the nature of our earthly existence.
Absolutely, pain is inflicted upon us daily by others who don't know us personally (politicians, investment bankers, etc), by natural forces [God?] (diseases, hurricanes, earthquakes, etc.), as well as by those who know us personally and may wish us harm.
I fully agree with you that one should recognize the sources of our pain, and certainly that we must not blame ourselves for the pain.
Now, the question is how to best deal with the circumstances we are subjected to. One choice is to say, "woe is me, I am a helpless victim, please feel sorry for me." A second choice is to become enraged and to focus one's energies on searching for a way to inflict revenge. A third choice is to live the happiest and most productive life we can in the face of the circumstances life has dealt us.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
- Buddhist proverb
My personal choice, and the choice I advocate for my readers, is to avoid labeling myself a "victim," to avoid resentments and regrets, to avoid anger and any attempt at revenge, and to be as happy and productive as I can.
And yes, I very much do choose to take action against people or forces that cause me pain - not from the perspective of anger/revenge, but from the perspective of preventing further harm to myself or others. (Consider a hurricane. One can't very well take revenge on a hurricane, but one can rebuild further from the ocean, and use stronger construction techniques.)
May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Sunday, July 19, 2015
To Be a Faithful Follower of Jesus
From Romans 12:9-21...
Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in love.
Honor one another above yourselves.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Share with people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Live in harmony with one another.
Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Live at peace with everyone.
Do not take revenge, but leave room for God’s wrath.
[It is God's job to punish, not man's]
If your enemy is hungry, feed him.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
And the second [commandment] is like it:
‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
- Matthew 22:39:40
[Jesus 1st commandment is, of course, to love God]
Loving others is FUNDAMENTAL to the "radical" (and basically socialist) teachings of Jesus. If a person rejects one of the two commandments that "All the Law and the Prophets hang on," how can they consider themself a true follower of Jesus?
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Trust, Forgiveness, and Feeling Wronged
Reader's question: I find it hard to forgive (both myself and others). I feel people have wronged me and sometimes I say "let it be" and at other times want revenge - which I feel is so wrong, but yet feel the need to hurt the ones who have hurt me. I DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. Do you have any suggestions?
My answer:
Thank you very much for writing
It appears that you may be expecting too much from others, from yourself, and from life in general.
Not “trusting” anyone is generally a good thing. If you don’t know someone well, you have no reason to trust that their actions will be beneficial to you. If you do know someone quite well, you can generally “trust” that their future actions will be very similar to their prior actions. If someone promises to act differently in the future from the way they acted in the past, you can be quite sure that they will be unable to fulfill such a promise.
People always attempt to act in their own best interest - which may or may not be in your best interest. Sometimes a person’s “own best interest” may simply be the warm happy feeling they get from helping another - but don’t count on that unless you know the person very very well. Someone could well pay the toll for the car behind, and then drive home and yell at their spouse.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it,
or who said it, no matter if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason
and your own common sense.
- The Buddha
As far as forgiving those you feel have wronged you, consider whether these people have done something like breaking into your home and stealing something, or whether they have simple failed to meet expectations you set for them.
Regardless of the degree of wrong done to you, forgiving others, like forgiving yourself, and like giving up anger, is for you. Forgiving someone is not a gift to that person, rather it is a gift to yourself.
Forgiveness is an act of self-love and respect.
- don Miguel Ruiz
Forgiveness is really a gift to yourself -
have the compassion to forgive others,
and the courage to forgive yourself.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Anger is an acid that can do more harm
to the vessel in which it is stored
than to anything on which it is poured.
- Mark Twain
These articles may help you…
When You Have Been Wronged
Greed and Betrayal
Practical Forgiveness by Sheri Rosenthal
How to Forgive and Move On
Forgive and Forget? Can You Really Lift Your Burden of Resentments?
Stop Anger Before it Stops You - 7 Secrets
More articles HERE
My answer:
Thank you very much for writing
It appears that you may be expecting too much from others, from yourself, and from life in general.
Not “trusting” anyone is generally a good thing. If you don’t know someone well, you have no reason to trust that their actions will be beneficial to you. If you do know someone quite well, you can generally “trust” that their future actions will be very similar to their prior actions. If someone promises to act differently in the future from the way they acted in the past, you can be quite sure that they will be unable to fulfill such a promise.
People always attempt to act in their own best interest - which may or may not be in your best interest. Sometimes a person’s “own best interest” may simply be the warm happy feeling they get from helping another - but don’t count on that unless you know the person very very well. Someone could well pay the toll for the car behind, and then drive home and yell at their spouse.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it,
or who said it, no matter if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason
and your own common sense.
- The Buddha
As far as forgiving those you feel have wronged you, consider whether these people have done something like breaking into your home and stealing something, or whether they have simple failed to meet expectations you set for them.
Regardless of the degree of wrong done to you, forgiving others, like forgiving yourself, and like giving up anger, is for you. Forgiving someone is not a gift to that person, rather it is a gift to yourself.
Forgiveness is an act of self-love and respect.
- don Miguel Ruiz
Forgiveness is really a gift to yourself -
have the compassion to forgive others,
and the courage to forgive yourself.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Anger is an acid that can do more harm
to the vessel in which it is stored
than to anything on which it is poured.
- Mark Twain
These articles may help you…
When You Have Been Wronged
Greed and Betrayal
Practical Forgiveness by Sheri Rosenthal
How to Forgive and Move On
Forgive and Forget? Can You Really Lift Your Burden of Resentments?
Stop Anger Before it Stops You - 7 Secrets
More articles HERE
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Greed and Betrayal
Reader's question: I am having trouble getting past others' greed and betrayal. It is worse than a cancer...how do you get past that?
My answer:
1. Understand that others are not "out to get you." People tend to be fearful, self-centered, and greedy - but their actions are seldom "about you," so don't take their actions personally.
2. Avoid anger, and especially avoid thoughts of revenge. Those thoughts only hurt yourself. Forgive others for their fears and weaknesses.
3. Cultivate your true friends.
4. Honor and trust your own values. Never lower your own standards.
5. Never lose faith in yourself, or faith in the goodness of Creation.
Don't Take Anything Personally.
Nothing others do is because of you.
- Miguel Angel Ruiz (don Miguel Ruiz)
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
- The Buddha
While seeking revenge, dig two graves -
one for yourself.
- Douglas Horton
My answer:
1. Understand that others are not "out to get you." People tend to be fearful, self-centered, and greedy - but their actions are seldom "about you," so don't take their actions personally.
2. Avoid anger, and especially avoid thoughts of revenge. Those thoughts only hurt yourself. Forgive others for their fears and weaknesses.
3. Cultivate your true friends.
4. Honor and trust your own values. Never lower your own standards.
5. Never lose faith in yourself, or faith in the goodness of Creation.
Don't Take Anything Personally.
Nothing others do is because of you.
- Miguel Angel Ruiz (don Miguel Ruiz)
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
- The Buddha
While seeking revenge, dig two graves -
one for yourself.
- Douglas Horton
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
When You Have Been Wronged
You have tried really hard to see the situation from the other person's point of view. And you have tried really hard to convince yourself that being "right" about this issue isn't as important as your happiness. And you are still feeling wronged - and very angry - and outraged. Now what?
First, what not to do...
Try to avoid feeling helpless. Having a "victim" mentality will only make things far worse. You aren't weak. You aren't a loser. You haven't even lost the war. You have just lost one particular battle. So reaffirm your strength, your ability, and your confidence in yourself.
Avoid revenge - or thoughts of revenge - for two reasons. 1. You are likely to injure yourself - physically, emotionally, and legally - far more than you damage the other person. 2. If you are the kind of person I hope you are, your value system prohibits you from harming another person (however much you may feel in the instant the urge to "wring their neck").
So what can you do?
Attempt to approach the situation neither with an attitude of weakness, nor an attitude of aggression, but with an attitude of personal strength and a commitment to your goals and values. Find another way to reach your goals rather than either retreating or crashing again and again into a more powerful opponent.
If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.
Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
- Michael Jordan
Remember that you have no "rights." Don't base your actions or feelings on your own expectation of how things "should" be. At the same time, be VERY careful to avoid equating "having no rights" with being helpless. You can "have no rights" and still be a strong and confident person.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
Release the problem to your higher power.
I will gather myself around my faith,
for light does the darkness most fear.
- Jewel
And find a way to laugh at the situation, and at yourself.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter.
If you can find humor in anything, even poverty,
you can survive it.
- Bill Cosby
First, what not to do...
Try to avoid feeling helpless. Having a "victim" mentality will only make things far worse. You aren't weak. You aren't a loser. You haven't even lost the war. You have just lost one particular battle. So reaffirm your strength, your ability, and your confidence in yourself.
Avoid revenge - or thoughts of revenge - for two reasons. 1. You are likely to injure yourself - physically, emotionally, and legally - far more than you damage the other person. 2. If you are the kind of person I hope you are, your value system prohibits you from harming another person (however much you may feel in the instant the urge to "wring their neck").
So what can you do?
Attempt to approach the situation neither with an attitude of weakness, nor an attitude of aggression, but with an attitude of personal strength and a commitment to your goals and values. Find another way to reach your goals rather than either retreating or crashing again and again into a more powerful opponent.
If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.
Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
- Michael Jordan
Remember that you have no "rights." Don't base your actions or feelings on your own expectation of how things "should" be. At the same time, be VERY careful to avoid equating "having no rights" with being helpless. You can "have no rights" and still be a strong and confident person.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
Release the problem to your higher power.
I will gather myself around my faith,
for light does the darkness most fear.
- Jewel
And find a way to laugh at the situation, and at yourself.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter.
If you can find humor in anything, even poverty,
you can survive it.
- Bill Cosby
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