More thoughts on accepting others as they are

I have been asked to say more about this quote, and what if the other person causes relentless pain...

Happiness lies in accepting everyone
in our lives EXACTLY as they are.
We cause ourselves untold misery whenever
we believe others to be imperfect and try to change them.
This is the number one rule for a happy relationship.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A person might (or might not) be able and willing to change themself, but we have virtually no ability to change the nature of another person. Complaining, getting angry, making threats, etc, just further entrench a person in their unpleasant ways.

What each of can control is our own response to the other person.

Let's say that the situation is a married couple who love each other and mostly like each other, but are annoyed by minor defects in the other, like tending to be late for appointments. In this case, I would say to focus on what is good, to avoid criticism, and to lovingly attempt to look at the lateness as a quirk rather than as a defect.

But if the issue is repeated affairs or drunkenness, that's totally different.  Personally, I'd recommend separation when possible, which it isn't always.

Let's say the problem person is your boss. Same answer. If the issues are minor, focus on the positive, and choose to accept the rest with joy and an upbeat attitude. But if the issues are serious, get a new job.  In any case, never cling to the hope that another will change.

Also note that love vs. hate  is a separate issue from how much time you choose to spend with another.  You can still hold good feelings toward a person (and avoid hating them) even if you find you no longer want to spend time with them.  A marriage or job can end without creating enemies (of course that requires both parties to act like adults).

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Learn Mindfulness, Live in the Moment

Reader's question: "Could you steer me in the right direction to learn mindfulness, to live in the moment?"

My reply:

Just watch this moment, without trying to change it at all.
What is happening? What do you feel?
What do you see? What do you hear?
- Jon Kabat-Zinn

Do the small things of life with a relaxed awareness.
When you are eating, eat totally -
chew totally, taste totally, smell totally.
Touch your bread, feel the texture.
Smell the bread, smell the flavor.
Chew it, let it dissolve into your being.
- Osho 

Set an alarm several times a day. Check in with yourself about how mindful you are being, versus how stressed. Do a reset. Let it be okay that the reset will only last for 5 minutes at first. Don't get discouraged. A tiny something each day is a success.

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Further reading: Letting Go and Accepting This Moment

Wisdom of Patience

12 Life Lessons I Learned From My Cat

Addressing the "real world" requires three actions - simultaneously...

A reader wrote: "Your words are so calm. But you have never addressed the real world.
I was beaten...what calm and enlighten words do you have to say to that.
Get with the real life world ...sir❗️"

My Reply...

Thank you very much for writing.

Addressing the "real world" requires three actions - simultaneously...

1) Recognize that whatever has happened in the past cannot be changed. Anger can't change the past. Revenge can't change the past. Acceptance and forgiveness are powerful tools in letting the past be the past, so you can focus on the present and the future.

Anger is often more hurtful than the injury that caused it.
- English Proverb

Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.
- Alice Duer Miller

2) Have a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude is both a tool to make you happier in the present, and a tool from which to launch "real world" actions and success.

Positive thinking will let you do everything
better than negative thinking will.
- Zig Ziglar

3) Take action. Begin now. Begin again each day. Take action with calm focus, and with a well-thought-out plan, but take action, and persevere.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent
about things that matter.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Attitude and action are both essential.
Attitude without action is mere pretense.
Action without attitude is merely frenzied motion.
 - Jonathan Lockwood Huie

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 

What is "True Love?"

A reader's question: I would like to know more about true love...

Ah, "true love"

First, let's talk about different kinds of "love"

1) There is the kind of "love" that matches the phrase "love at first sight." I think the word "lust" is much more apt for this emotion, but...

2) There is conditional love: I will "love" you as long as you do what I want, e.g. take out the trash, have sex with me, cook and clean house, have a well-paying job, be home for dinner every night...

3) There is unconditional love: This is an emotion that does not require any reciprocity. When Christians talk about "Jesus' love," this is the kind of love they refer to.

In a marriage, or long-term intimate relationship, all three of the above are present, to some degree, and are intermixed is ways that cannot always be distinguished.

So what is "true love" in an intimate relationship? For me, true love is a long-lasting relationship with lots of #3, some #1, and as little #2 as possible.

No partner in a love relationship...

should feel that he has to give up

an essential part of himself to make it viable.

- May Sarton

True love is a process of co-creation

in which neither feels ownership or superiority.

Jealousy is a highly destructive force

for love and relationships.

- JLH

True love is never a selfish emotion.

If you want something from someone -

especially if that something is sex -

what you are feeling is not true love.

True love is about wanting happiness for the person you love -

and not about seeking happiness for yourself.

Fortunately, in most cases our own loving presence

is the greatest gift we can give to a person we love.

Nonetheless, the litmus test of love is knowing

we would choose never to see that person again

if we believed that distance would bring them greater happiness.

- JLH

Great relationships begin with two people who are each

self confident and who come to each other with the openness

to see and accept the other as a unique and wonderful person.

If there is true love and an alignment of fundamental values,

choose to join your life with your new partner

and vow never to criticize their nature -

the essence that makes them uniquely themselves.

- JLH

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

        

Thoughts on Success

Success is feeling good about yourself, and being happy.
Accomplishments, especially the accomplishments of being of service to others,
tend to create the feeling of success, but success is an inner state separate from accomplishments.

Have a dream. Take action toward that dream each and every day. Always love and respect yourself.
Love and respect yourself even when you fail. Then try again - in a different way.

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth

Sometimes you get the results you wanted,
sometimes you don't.
What matters is that you did your best.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Play to win, but be a good loser.
Have a plan for your life,
but accept whatever comes your way
with grace and gratitude.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
   

Is It True That There is Virtue In Avoiding Battles?

Question: Jonathan. Do you personally believe in the quote below? I do not.. I think it's tantamount to giving up without a fight. Some battles and problems which we do not clear today, will follow us wherever we go or might one day come back to us. If we choose to run away today without fighting them, there is a strong possibility of us thinking back in the future of 'what ifs'. But if we fight and give our best and still lose the battle, at the very least, we'll know in the future we tried.

Part of the happiness of life consists not in fighting battles,
but in avoiding them. A masterly retreat is in itself a victory.
- Norman Vincent Peale

My Answer:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)

There are battles well worth fighting, and there are other battles far better walked away from. The great challenge is to distinguish one from the other.

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Test Jitters

Question: I have a test coming up very soon - and I'm scared. What can I do.

My Answer:

1. Visualize that you have failed the test -- and that life is very good anyway. Other paths open to you for a great life.

2. Visualize doing well on the test. Hold the image that you are relaxed and confident and finding the test easy.

3. Relax. Study, but also make sure you sleep and exercise.

4. Do well on the test.

Play to win, but be a good loser.
Have a plan for your life,
but accept whatever comes your way
with grace and gratitude.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

How to Cope When Life Lands a One-Two Punch?

Maybe you got fired, you can't find a job, your bank account is overdrawn, and life looks hopeless. Maybe you or your family is suffering a health crisis, or your spouse left your long-term-marriage. Whatever the specifics, when they attack, troubles seem to gang up on you. One problem leads to another until you feel your world is ending. The loss of job, health, or marriage leads to loss of financial security, and any sort of crisis leads to emotional depression. How to cope when life lands a one-two punch?

Respond to the crisis with a three-phase counter-attack:

1. Acceptance: Before you can recover from a crisis, you have to acknowledge that the devastation before your eyes is real. When life broadsides you, your first instinct is to look at the flaming crumpled wreck in disbelief and think, "This isn't real, this can't have just happened." But it did happen, and you can't move back the hands of time and ask the director for take-two. This isn't a movie, it's your real life. As William Shakespeare said, "What's done is done."

True acceptance requires giving up all resentments and regrets. Blame is not going to fix anything. Screaming at your ex-boss or ex-husband or sticking pins in their voodoo doll isn't going to change your situation, and it will make you feel even more upset.

The key to acceptance is forgiveness of everyone, especially yourself, for everything that has ever occurred. Forgiveness is for yourself - so you can release yourself from the fires of anger and hatred that will otherwise burn your spirit to a cinder. Adopt an attitude of forgiveness - not so your ex-boss or ex-husband can sleep better, but so you can transform your own nightmares into sweet dreams.

2. Faith: If you are deeply religious, you know what this means. In any case, have faith in your own abilities and in your future.

3. Action: Acceptance and faith are important, but they are not enough. Believe in the future and don't worry, but also keep taking action.

When you get hit by a sequence of challenges, such as job loss, financial worries, and depression, you need to respond with all three: Acceptance, Faith, and Action.

Release Exercise

Life is Not Supposed to be Fair

Choose Your Habits, Choose Your Life

Accept Circumstances - Choose Response

Question: My life is not the way am expecting, ... please advise me and pray for me.

Answer:

Our ability to change our circumstances is often woefully limited. However, each of us has an unlimited capability to choose the attitude with which we respond to those circumstances. We can look for joy in the smallest pleasures of life, while accepting the trials to which we have been subjected.

Accept Circumstances - Choose Response.

Expectations

Intention versus Expectation (Demand)