What is "True Love?"

A reader's question: I would like to know more about true love...

Ah, "true love"

First, let's talk about different kinds of "love"

1) There is the kind of "love" that matches the phrase "love at first sight." I think the word "lust" is much more apt for this emotion, but...

2) There is conditional love: I will "love" you as long as you do what I want, e.g. take out the trash, have sex with me, cook and clean house, have a well-paying job, be home for dinner every night...

3) There is unconditional love: This is an emotion that does not require any reciprocity. When Christians talk about "Jesus' love," this is the kind of love they refer to.

In a marriage, or long-term intimate relationship, all three of the above are present, to some degree, and are intermixed is ways that cannot always be distinguished.

So what is "true love" in an intimate relationship? For me, true love is a long-lasting relationship with lots of #3, some #1, and as little #2 as possible.

No partner in a love relationship...

should feel that he has to give up

an essential part of himself to make it viable.

- May Sarton

True love is a process of co-creation

in which neither feels ownership or superiority.

Jealousy is a highly destructive force

for love and relationships.

- JLH

True love is never a selfish emotion.

If you want something from someone -

especially if that something is sex -

what you are feeling is not true love.

True love is about wanting happiness for the person you love -

and not about seeking happiness for yourself.

Fortunately, in most cases our own loving presence

is the greatest gift we can give to a person we love.

Nonetheless, the litmus test of love is knowing

we would choose never to see that person again

if we believed that distance would bring them greater happiness.

- JLH

Great relationships begin with two people who are each

self confident and who come to each other with the openness

to see and accept the other as a unique and wonderful person.

If there is true love and an alignment of fundamental values,

choose to join your life with your new partner

and vow never to criticize their nature -

the essence that makes them uniquely themselves.

- JLH

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

        

Feeling Used and Left Out

Question: How can I let (name) know that I am feeling used, and how do I tell her
that I am feeling left out?

My answer:

1. Examine why you are feeling used. What expectations do you have that are not being met. Did she make a very specific promise that she is not keeping? Or did you just paint yourself a rosy picture of what you hoped life together would be like? Are you expecting her to behave differently from her natural self?

2. Direct open communication is always best. Do tell her your feelings, but please be open to hearing hers. I would guess that she has a very different perspective that you really need to fully understand and appreciate.

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Men in general judge more from
appearances than from reality. All
men have eyes, but few have
the gift of penetration.
- Niccolo Machiavelli

Look behind the obvious. Little of importance in life is as it appears.