Families and Social Expectations

Question: Mother's Day is kind of sad for me. This Mother's Day was another reminder that in my life it's almost always about me giving and not getting anything much in return, not even getting phone calls from my adult kids on Mother's Day. And some members of my extended family are disrespectful of me when our family does get together. What is your advice on dealing with this?

My Answer:

Take a few quiet moments. Sit by yourself and prepare to contemplate an important idea that is contrary to how most people think about life...

*** There is no particular way that family relationships are "supposed" to be. ***

Most people have a quite rigid idea of what a "good" family is supposed to look like. There are "supposed" to be two parents - a man and a woman - who got married to each other in their early 20s (or perhaps late teens or late twenties - depending on cultural differences). They are "supposed" to be about the same age (with the man perhaps 2 years older than the woman). They are "supposed" to have the same racial heritage and have been brought up in the same church (which, of course, neither of them has ever considered changing). They are "supposed" to have 2 children (or 4 or 8 depending on the subculture they belong to). The woman is "supposed" to be subservient to the man, and to focus the majority of her creative energies on parenting her children, while the man spends the majority of his creative energies outside the home.

One of the hallmarks of this "supposed to be" (traditional) family is that when one's children have grown, they are "supposed" to establish their own "good" families (as described in the last paragraph). They are "supposed" to live in the same town they grew up in, or at least nearby. And they are "supposed" to bring the grandchildren to visit very regularly - perhaps for a weekly dinner after a shared Sunday religious service.

Well... Life isn't the way it was "supposed to be." Times are different now, and more people are making different choices. What is much more important to consider, however, is that even in the days of Leave It To Beaver and white picket fences, many families weren't the way they were "supposed to be." People sometimes died young. People occasionally found the courage to leave abusive relationships. And some people have always found the courage to commit their lives to someone of a different color, or religion, or part of the world.

So, how does all this relate to dealing with the kids not calling on Mother's Day?

1. Ideas of expected social behavior are culturally based. While you may have a preference for how others behave, the expectation that they "should" behave that way is based on traditional culture, and not on any natural law.

2. You can't ever change anyone (other than yourself), and you will always suffer whenever you try.

3. Understand that others are not "wrong." They are simply making their choices - as they have a perfect right to. (I hope it is clear that I am speaking of "social choices," and don't categorize things like child abuse as "choices.")

4. Be happy. Live and let live. Spend time in social situations that make you happy, and avoid social situations that make you unhappy.

When your whole family is loving and supportive, it is a great blessing. But when family members are indifferent or hostile, release your expectations, and find the love and support you need elsewhere. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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A couple of side notes:

Over half of the children born in the United States to women under 30 are now born outside of marriage. In my opinion, this reflects an evolution of cultural norms, rather than "morals going to hell." But whatever your own opinion of this trend, it is important to understand that we live in a world of irreversibly changing social expectations.

Productive and joyful lives have always been lived both inside and outside of traditional families. And suffering, dysfunction, and even child abuse have also occurred both inside and outside of traditional families. I found an article in The Atlantic by the daughter of a "single mother" that you may want to read.

Further reading: Zero-Based Gratitude

How to Forgive and Move On

Honor tradition AND question tradition. - jlh

Technology Will Fail - Natural Disasters Will Happen - Prepare Yourself

All kinds of technology, from all vendors, will fail. It is just the nature of life. Communications networks fail. Websites fail. Computers fail. Cell Phones fail. Power plants and electrical grids fail. Medical devices fail. And hurricanes, earthquakes, and floods will happen.

No amount of complaining, blaming, or begging will keep systems and devices from failing, or reverse the failures. And the physical processes of our earth are equally unswayed by complaints of unfairness.

Prepare yourself. Assume every electronic, mechanical, human, and natural system will fail - just when you most depend upon it.

1. Take those steps you can to minimize the effects of failures and catastrophes. Backup the data in your computer every day. Keep a copy of data in a second location. Make plans for reconnecting with your family if communications systems fail. Keep a stock of food, water, and medicines at home, and ready to throw into your car. Consider everything you are dependent upon, and have a backup plan.

2. Even more important, prepare yourself emotionally for the probability that technology, systems, people, and nature will suddenly stop doing what you have always depended upon them to do. Prepare yourself in advance to accept the loss of any of the modern conveniences you have come to expect will always be there. If you are emotionally prepared, you will be able to deal with technology failures and natural happenings in a rational way. You will be prepared to consider alternatives and make logical choices, rather than becoming confused, complaining that it isn't fair, and demanding that someone make the problem go away.

Life isn't fair - never has been, and never will be. Your job is simply to do your best with what you are given - even when that changes from day to day, or moment to moment.

Further reading: Life is Not Supposed to be Fair

Abundance or Scarcity? Love or Fear?

Assumptions

Expectations

Life is All in the Perspective We Take on It

Truth isn't True. Reality isn't Real.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

Truth isn't True. Reality isn't Real.
- jlh

We have language. We have tradition. We have cultural and community norms. But we have neither truth nor reality.

I make the bold assertion that EVERYTHING we do and EVERYTHING we believe is a result of what we have observed as children and observe in our family and community!

If you had been born in the Mid-East, there is a very high probability that you would be very sure that Islam was the one RIGHT religion. If you lived before Einstein, you would be very sure solid matter was solid (rather than being mostly empty space and several kinds of energy, as we now know). If you had lived 500 years ago, you would know for sure that the earth was flat and stationary.

If you were born in 2300, I can't even guess about most of what you would know for sure, but without doubt, you would consider those people who lived in the early 21st century to be very ignorant and superstitious.

So what now? Assuming that you take my assertion seriously, what can you do about it? You can't gain access to science that hasn't yet been discovered. You can't begin to live in ways that are dramatically different from the accepted norms in your community without severe consequences. What can you do?

What you can do is to begin to question even the most fundamental assumptions you have about life and living. Do this not necessarily with an eye to changing how you live, but simply as a learning experience. Examine where your assumptions come from. And then consciously choose to accept the cultural norms - or not.

Read more at Perspective on Tradition: An Open Mind

Assumptions

Assumptions and expectations are two of the biggest dangers to your emotional wellbeing. In this post, I will address assumptions.

Assumptions are beliefs that don't know they are beliefs. When one states a belief, that person understands that there are other possible beliefs - even if one is completely convinced that their belief is the "right" belief.

As an example, I believe that a progressive social agenda is best for the country, but I understand that other well-intentioned people believe that unfettered capitalism is best.

In contrast, an assumption is invisible. If someone says, "Los Angeles is a dangerous place to live," that might be shorthand for, "It is my personal belief that Los Angeles is a dangerous city," but it is more likely that, for that person, it is simply a fact that Los Angeles is dangerous. No other possibility has ever been considered.

Often people live with lifelong assumptions about what they are unable to do with their lives.

Could you run for public office? Could you write a book? Could you create an invention that made you an instant millionaire? Would you marry a person of a different race or religion? Would you leave your job and found your own company?

Consider your reactions to those questions. Do you thoughtfully consider questions of that sort? Or do you snap to judgement?

Assumptions are very limiting. You can live a more successful and joyful life if you are willing to question your assumptions, and to have an open mind toward all of life.

Understand that you can never be free of all assumptions - because they ARE invisible. But you can watch for them when they do show up, and stamp them out.

Read more about assumptions: Perspective on Tradition: An Open Mind