Families and Social Expectations

Question: Mother's Day is kind of sad for me. This Mother's Day was another reminder that in my life it's almost always about me giving and not getting anything much in return, not even getting phone calls from my adult kids on Mother's Day. And some members of my extended family are disrespectful of me when our family does get together. What is your advice on dealing with this?

My Answer:

Take a few quiet moments. Sit by yourself and prepare to contemplate an important idea that is contrary to how most people think about life...

*** There is no particular way that family relationships are "supposed" to be. ***

Most people have a quite rigid idea of what a "good" family is supposed to look like. There are "supposed" to be two parents - a man and a woman - who got married to each other in their early 20s (or perhaps late teens or late twenties - depending on cultural differences). They are "supposed" to be about the same age (with the man perhaps 2 years older than the woman). They are "supposed" to have the same racial heritage and have been brought up in the same church (which, of course, neither of them has ever considered changing). They are "supposed" to have 2 children (or 4 or 8 depending on the subculture they belong to). The woman is "supposed" to be subservient to the man, and to focus the majority of her creative energies on parenting her children, while the man spends the majority of his creative energies outside the home.

One of the hallmarks of this "supposed to be" (traditional) family is that when one's children have grown, they are "supposed" to establish their own "good" families (as described in the last paragraph). They are "supposed" to live in the same town they grew up in, or at least nearby. And they are "supposed" to bring the grandchildren to visit very regularly - perhaps for a weekly dinner after a shared Sunday religious service.

Well... Life isn't the way it was "supposed to be." Times are different now, and more people are making different choices. What is much more important to consider, however, is that even in the days of Leave It To Beaver and white picket fences, many families weren't the way they were "supposed to be." People sometimes died young. People occasionally found the courage to leave abusive relationships. And some people have always found the courage to commit their lives to someone of a different color, or religion, or part of the world.

So, how does all this relate to dealing with the kids not calling on Mother's Day?

1. Ideas of expected social behavior are culturally based. While you may have a preference for how others behave, the expectation that they "should" behave that way is based on traditional culture, and not on any natural law.

2. You can't ever change anyone (other than yourself), and you will always suffer whenever you try.

3. Understand that others are not "wrong." They are simply making their choices - as they have a perfect right to. (I hope it is clear that I am speaking of "social choices," and don't categorize things like child abuse as "choices.")

4. Be happy. Live and let live. Spend time in social situations that make you happy, and avoid social situations that make you unhappy.

When your whole family is loving and supportive, it is a great blessing. But when family members are indifferent or hostile, release your expectations, and find the love and support you need elsewhere. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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A couple of side notes:

Over half of the children born in the United States to women under 30 are now born outside of marriage. In my opinion, this reflects an evolution of cultural norms, rather than "morals going to hell." But whatever your own opinion of this trend, it is important to understand that we live in a world of irreversibly changing social expectations.

Productive and joyful lives have always been lived both inside and outside of traditional families. And suffering, dysfunction, and even child abuse have also occurred both inside and outside of traditional families. I found an article in The Atlantic by the daughter of a "single mother" that you may want to read.

Further reading: Zero-Based Gratitude

How to Forgive and Move On

Honor tradition AND question tradition. - jlh

Truth isn't True. Reality isn't Real.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

Truth isn't True. Reality isn't Real.
- jlh

We have language. We have tradition. We have cultural and community norms. But we have neither truth nor reality.

I make the bold assertion that EVERYTHING we do and EVERYTHING we believe is a result of what we have observed as children and observe in our family and community!

If you had been born in the Mid-East, there is a very high probability that you would be very sure that Islam was the one RIGHT religion. If you lived before Einstein, you would be very sure solid matter was solid (rather than being mostly empty space and several kinds of energy, as we now know). If you had lived 500 years ago, you would know for sure that the earth was flat and stationary.

If you were born in 2300, I can't even guess about most of what you would know for sure, but without doubt, you would consider those people who lived in the early 21st century to be very ignorant and superstitious.

So what now? Assuming that you take my assertion seriously, what can you do about it? You can't gain access to science that hasn't yet been discovered. You can't begin to live in ways that are dramatically different from the accepted norms in your community without severe consequences. What can you do?

What you can do is to begin to question even the most fundamental assumptions you have about life and living. Do this not necessarily with an eye to changing how you live, but simply as a learning experience. Examine where your assumptions come from. And then consciously choose to accept the cultural norms - or not.

Read more at Perspective on Tradition: An Open Mind

Expectations - Demands

There is nothing I ever need to have.
There is nothing I ever need to do.
I Say NO to the demands of the world.
I Say YES to the longings of my own heart.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Expectations, like assumptions, are a grave danger to your emotional health.

An expectation is a demand. In a sentence such as, "I expect you to be on-time for work tomorrow," the demand is clearly stated. However, expectations are often invisible.

A person may know, as a perceived fact, that it is their spouse's duty to take out the trash, or to wash the dishes. If there has been no explicit mutual agreement to the obligation, the expectation (demand) is an invisible one - created by cultural tradition.

Improve your professional and personal relationships, and lead a more joyful life, by becoming aware of these invisible perceived expectations (demands).

As with assumptions, because expectations are often invisible, you can't tackle them all at once. But do be conscious of their existence, and stamp out each expectation as soon as you catch a glimpse of it.

There will be many times in your life when agreeing to the demands of another is a good decision. Just make sure that you obligate yourself by conscious decision - and not through the handcuffs of unconscious cultural tradition.

Read my personal story of dealing with expectations: Assumption, Expectation, and Anger - A Personal Confession